Before you cheat is a must read for those already in a relationship or at the very least leave a scar that will haunt you for the rest of your life. I you are considering cheating on your partner please read this first. If there is any doubt in your relationship there is no doubt
What you need to know
I am sitting in a chair in a hospital room receiving chemotherapy. Against my wildest dreams I thought of many other things I may be doing but this was not one of them. I preceded this with three years of stress related anguish in my forever relationship.
It all started with a joyous and heartfelt marriage proposal that seemed real and likely. We had countless great times together and took care of each other daily. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly we always made sure the other was okay and needs were met. After all isn’t that how it is supposed to be? I was taught that if you always put the other person first and he put you first you couldn’t miss the “win win.” Though this is very true the hiccups that were about to burst into a full-blown disaster were not going to be avoided. He was great at evading issues which led me, in retrospect to not believe everything he told me. I knew I could believe most everything except when it came to why he was late for, or not hungry for dinner. He seemed to choose carefully how he answered certain questions. And the facts that he was mostly a good guy tended to throw me off course a great deal of the time. I wanted to believe him, after all I cared deeply the guy but believing him became increasingly more and more difficult. There is something to be said for “a woman’s intuition” or having a sixth sense about something but I am here to tell you it is a very real and viable sense.
When he finally came clean about an affair he was having everything started to add up and be clear. And not only that I told him when it began, again, intuition! I told him it began 8 ½ months ago and he turned white as a sheet. I was spot on with that because that is when the lies and inconsistencies started. I acknowledged what I knew was correct and proceeded to defend it. I knew I had done nothing and I mean NOTHING wrong to encourage this behavior. He said it “just happened”. That is the biggest crock of crap I had ever heard. It takes a conscious effort to make that choice. Yes, he made a concerted effort to have an affair so guess what, another fabrication? By this time I had heard it all but this nightmare was just beginning for me. I had yet to run my course of hurt and disgust. I am not sure if anyone knows this but when an affair happens you run a course as if someone has died. The feelings and steps to get through it are exactly the same. And they also present you with PTSD! Who knew? “Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome” is what soldiers experience after they return home from war. So long story short, when you have an affair you are making a conscious choice to devastate an innocent person and put them through an unconscionable life changing duress.
Things just didn’t add up every time so I always had a big question mark as to his feelings for me. Something in the back of my mind knew full well he had strong feelings for me. His feelings for her always seemed confusing and definitely not convincing. This all led me to believe that he chose a course that he wasn’t even remotely sure of. He seemed untrue to himself, not confident at all in this choice. Something kept telling me that this wasn’t the typical affair. This had far deeper underlying surges that we may never ever know of. The one thing that I was vehemently sure of was my trust had gone out the window and would never return. So, when I hear that people get past all of this and stay together, I know they are missing pieces to the puzzle that are essential for trust in a relationship to be complete. I admire those who can put it all behind them. I truly in my heart of hearts know that it will never be 100% behind them. How can it be? How can they really ever trust that person again? Every time they leave to go to the store, are late for any reason or wake in the middle of the night and pick up their phone, how do you not wonder? There are so many triggers and the more time you spend with that person the more potential for triggers. Triggers are the painful reminders of the affair. They cut you to your soul and your reaction is generally out of nature of who you would normally be. So, get back to normal with that same person and be whole who destroyed your existence? It is highly improbable. On with my story….
Once the affair was acknowledged I had no idea how I would react. Under normal circumstances I was typically very kind, soft spoken, never angered type of person but a different person emerged I didn’t know, much more like how this made me behave. I would yell at him, and cry for hours on end. I couldn’t sleep, eat or make any sense of it. When the P.T.S.D kicked in I couldn’t recognize myself. The non-confrontational me was confronting, the once in bed sleep through the night me wasn’t sleeping. I ate so sporadically I felt ill most of the time. I had UTI after UTI which meant antibiotic after antibiotic month after month after month. Why was I getting all of these Urinary tract infections? I was spending more time at the Doctor in the past 2-3 years than I did in the past 40 years all put together. Getting up an average of 6-13 times a night to go to the bathroom was outrageous! I needed to recognize the stages I was encountering and get a hold of myself and the reality of it all.
First of all, did you know that grief increases inflammation in your body? That could explain some of the aches and pains I couldn’t heal or get rid of. The first of the five stages of grief is denial and no matter how I tried to make sense of it I couldn’t. I denied that I did anything wrong to encourage his behavior and what is worse is that it seemed like such a bad dream I had a terrible time believing it actually happened but it did and I had to wrap my mind around the facts and reality of it all.
When the second emotion hit, anger, I became a different person. I don’t think I had ever used the term “how dare you” before. I was angry at him for so many reasons. I was angry because he ended us, because I thought I had lost my family (his family), who treated me like a daughter, a sister, a grandmother and a friend. I was angry that he so easily wanted to throw away eleven years together. I was angry because of how he hurt my family and friends. To lie to one person is horrific but when you lie and the affects spread and hurt everyone who has touched your lives is incomprehensible, inexcusable and downright mean!!The next stage of emotion was bargaining.
I’m sure there are some who bargain to get back who they thought was rightfully theirs but when I bargained it was to make sure he knew that bargaining out of all that we had was not the right thing to do. No more right than having the affair in the first place. I didn’t want to bargain to get him back until I could sort through all of this and figure out if I even wanted him back. I knew that was going to take some doing too! Did I want this Man back who threw our relationship under a bus? Did I want someone who I could never trust fully? I figured if I took him back, we would have to start from square one. A new start meant a new relationship, and a new trust. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks…Even if I did start all over with him would the good times be as good? Would I fall in love with him again? Would I trust him again??? Not sure, not sure and without a doubt NO.
The next emotion is depression and I had never experienced it before so was I not going to allow myself to go down that dirt road? Unequivocally NO! I wasn’t familiar with it and therefore did not want to explore the possibilities. So, whenever the pity party tried to start, I didn’t go in to the party. I just kept it at bay the best that I could and whenever I felt it had potential to take me down, I turned to my family and friends for support and got through this phase relatively unscathed.
Acceptance was probably the most difficult because that drew the conclusion that it was either the demise of this relationship or the beginning of very high hill to climb. Accepting either way was not something I could make a quick, responsive or decisive conclusion on but after months and months of torment and anguish what I did wrap my mind around was the fact that I couldn’t put myself through this again and trying for this relationship again would not be in my, or his best interest. Emotionally, or physically it was far too demanding and I knew somehow it was taking a toll on my health and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I made the decision to remove myself from the relationship which appeared to be toxic at this point.
A typical Day
It was difficult to wrap my mind around any of this when our outings were so much fun. We went to Disney World, Sea World or Busch Gardens almost every weekend. Whenever we were together, we had a great time. When we weren’t doing the theme parks, we would go to dinner or drive by a beach or just stay home for an easy evening. He constantly expressed his love for me and how much I meant to him. He was always telling me how much he appreciated all I do for him; he was always gentle and loving and we never fought so…. who knew??
We did house things together, whereas he would do anything that needed maintenance and I cleaned, cook and did the indoor things that I believe every woman does. And did we have “words?” Of course, like take out the garbage or pick up your clothes, no big deal. What I didn’t know is that inside me something big was brewing and it was not going to be a picnic.
Stress and your body
I am here to tell you that when you chose to have an affair you are putting one nail in a coffin and destroying countless lives. First of all, there is NO reason or excuse to have an affair and what I mean by this is that if there is ANY reason you feel you have to stray it says that you are with the wrong person. And an affair should NEVER happen. You should end your current relationship!!!!!!! If you don’t then you better be prepared to be called a cheat, a liar, completely untrustworthy but mostly a coward. Because that is the stigma you will walk away with, for life.
Stress is the #1 killer and it almost took me down. I didn’t even know what stress felt like at this level. I ended up with bladder cancer. The Doctor said my cancer was environmental. But I know it wasn’t, I didn’t have health issues until this occurred. Find a way to eliminate any stress you are going through because if you don’t it WILL take you down! Now I have to live without a bladder and with a bag attached to me for the rest of my life. I have been through more needles, chemotherapy and Dr’s. appointments than you can imagine and I am ready to get on with my life. I am grateful for the phenomenal Doctors and nurses that have attended me but I truly believe in my heart of hearts this should never have happened.
So, when you decide to have an affair, you could literally be taking a life. THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!! If he or she is NOT the one then leave, don’t hang around in case things go South with the affair. You can always get back together but please don’t drag your better half through the mud until you decide whatever works for you.
Deliver from evil
I know my family and friends showed no mercy for what he did to me but even though I will never forgive him for his actions I do know that there were extenuating circumstances and I have chosen to forgive him for what he was going through to make him do what he did. Evil had him clenched in his lairs and wasn’t about to let go. What surfaced was a very insecure person who had lost his way. Again, there is no reason for an affair and by no means am I turning the other cheek but, in this case, a messed-up mind or heart can distort making a right or wrong choice and that DOES NOT excuse making that wrong choice. Always remember the devil is strong and stupid but Jesus is stronger and smarter so hang on to the strength and intelligence that actually will make a difference in your life.
Goodbye……Forever
I was at my breaking point when I got a call from my daughter asking if I could move there and help her out for a while. I knew in so many ways God was reaching a hand out to me and I took it. I told him I was leaving and he looked like he was about to lose his best friend, and he was. We said a very heartfelt goodbye, kissed and I left. The next day I got a call that he was killed in a car accident while riding with “her”. She was driving and made a terrible error in judgment and God saw his opportunity to bring him home. I believe God knew he wasn’t going to change, or understand why he was so sad and confused and to continuously make poor decisions. This devastation added to the torment I was already experiencing so my stress level was off the charts and this could only mean one thing and I knew my health was severely at risk.
To add salt to the wounds I was too sick to return to my home to retrieve my belongings. I had a garage full of beautiful furnishings. Everything from furniture
to décor and everything in between. All of my belongings ended up going to the dump. It was heartbreaking to lose it all. It made me realize what people who have lost everything to fire, tornadoes and the like go through. It is a pain of loss that hits you all the way down to your very soul.
I went to work sewing for a company and after having multiple UTI’s before I moved, I was at work and felt I needed to use the restroom and it was all blood. This happened twice within a few minutes. I finished my work and went home. I was home a short time before passing out and waking to the EMT’s standing over me. An ambulance trip to the hospital met me with state 2 invasive bladder cancer. After chemo, excessive weight loss and extreme weakness my bladder had been removed, a stoma permanently put into place and a compromised kidney I had a road of healing ahead.
The aftermath to all of this wasn’t my conclusion to all of this. The bladder cancer surgery created the start of osteoporosis in my groin and progressed to the point of pretty much disintegrating the hip joint. As my doctor put it “the joint is pretty much shot.” The x-ray looked like mush, it was bone on bone and the bones were fracturing and it rendered me pretty much unable to walk. The pain was excruciating and debilitating to say the least. Another surgery was in my future. A total hip replacement and there was no way around that. This is yet another repercussion of the sadness of cheating on someone. Most think once the tears are shed the hurt is over. Not even close! Granted not everyone goes through what I did but we never know how our bodies will react to anything. All I know is the pain cuts deep and stays for a very long time. Getting over this is next to impossible. It never fully leaves you. I am currently recovering from the hip replacement and learning to walk again.
Due to his decision, I developed bladder cancer, heart failure, blood clots in my legs, kidney issues, disintegrated hip etc. My life is a strain to get it back on track but I am bound and determined to live a healthy life again. I owe it to God and myself to get back on track, and I will. My support warriors are incredible and the outreach of love surrounds me. I will do it for them, and myself and God for reaching his hand out to me. I use to have dreams and goals but this one is the one I am working on. I work hard at keeping my spirits high and won’t allow depression to set in. Depression could surely take me down.
Would I change the good times? The good times led to the bad so due to the health issues and heartbreak I have to say yes. I will always care for David that no one can remove and they may not certainly understand but in remembering that love triggers the pain and anguish he provided at the end and they continually surface. God knew him as I did and he had a kind heart and gentle soul but was a lost lamb. This is why I will always have a love for him.
In conclusion:
Cheating is a selfish, cowards way out and to do it can only lead us to assume that family and friends don’t matter to you. Don’t let this happen to someone you once cared for. Again, end the relationship and move on. If you are meant to go back the road will lead you back. Otherwise, save a life, don’t waste one.
*Thank you to everyone who stood by me, prayed for me and talked to me constantly. You all are why I am here today. With love and gratitude. ~Pam Marie
(Share this book with everyone and be sure to do it “before they cheat.”)
- Before you Cheat
I am sitting in a chair in a hospital room receiving chemotherapy. Against my wildest dreams I thought of many other things I may be doing but this was not one of them. I preceded this with three years of stress related anguish in my forever relationship.
It all started with a joyous and heartfelt marriage proposal that seemed real and likely. We had countless great times together and took care of each other daily. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly we always made sure the other was okay and needs were met. After all isn’t that how it is supposed to be? I was taught that if you always put the other person first and he put you first you couldn’t miss the “win win.” Though this is very true the hiccups that were about to burst into a full-blown disaster were not going to be avoided. He was great at evading issues which led me, in retrospect to not believe everything he told me. I knew I could believe most everything except when it came to why he was late for, or not hungry for dinner. He seemed to choose carefully how he answered certain questions. And the facts that he was mostly a good guy tended to throw me off course a great deal of the time. I wanted to believe him, after all I cared deeply the guy but believing him became increasingly more and more difficult. There is something to be said for “a woman’s intuition” or having a sixth sense about something but I am here to tell you it is a very real and viable sense.
When he finally came clean about an affair he was having everything started to add up and be clear. And not only that I told him when it began, again, intuition! I told him it began 8 ½ months ago and he turned white as a sheet. I was spot on with that because that is when the lies and inconsistencies started. I acknowledged what I knew was correct and proceeded to defend it. I knew I had done nothing and I mean NOTHING wrong to encourage this behavior. He said it “just happened”. That is the biggest crock of crap I had ever heard. It takes a conscious effort to make that choice. Yes, he made a concerted effort to have an affair so guess what, another fabrication? By this time I had heard it all but this nightmare was just beginning for me. I had yet to run my course of hurt and disgust. I am not sure if anyone knows this but when an affair happens you run a course as if someone has died. The feelings and steps to get through it are exactly the same. And they also present you with PTSD! Who knew? “Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome” is what soldiers experience after they return home from war. So long story short, when you have an affair you are making a conscious choice to devastate an innocent person and put them through an unconscionable life changing duress.
Things just didn’t add up every time so I always had a big question mark as to his feelings for me. Something in the back of my mind knew full well he had strong feelings for me. His feelings for her always seemed confusing and definitely not convincing. This all led me to believe that he chose a course that he wasn’t even remotely sure of. He seemed untrue to himself, not confident at all in this choice. Something kept telling me that this wasn’t the typical affair. This had far deeper underlying surges that we may never ever know of. The one thing that I was vehemently sure of was my trust had gone out the window and would never return. So, when I hear that people get past all of this and stay together, I know they are missing pieces to the puzzle that are essential for trust in a relationship to be complete. I admire those who can put it all behind them. I truly in my heart of hearts know that it will never be 100% behind them. How can it be? How can they really ever trust that person again? Every time they leave to go to the store, are late for any reason or wake in the middle of the night and pick up their phone, how do you not wonder? There are so many triggers and the more time you spend with that person the more potential for triggers. Triggers are the painful reminders of the affair. They cut you to your soul and your reaction is generally out of nature of who you would normally be. So, get back to normal with that same person and be whole who destroyed your existence? It is highly improbable. On with my story….
Once the affair was acknowledged I had no idea how I would react. Under normal circumstances I was typically very kind, soft spoken, never angered type of person but a different person emerged I didn’t know, much more like how this made me behave. I would yell at him, and cry for hours on end. I couldn’t sleep, eat or make any sense of it. When the P.T.S.D kicked in I couldn’t recognize myself. The non-confrontational me was confronting, the once in bed sleep through the night me wasn’t sleeping. I ate so sporadically I felt ill most of the time. I had UTI after UTI which meant antibiotic after antibiotic month after month after month. Why was I getting all of these Urinary tract infections? I was spending more time at the Doctor in the past 2-3 years than I did in the past 40 years all put together. Getting up an average of 6-13 times a night to go to the bathroom was outrageous! I needed to recognize the stages I was encountering and get a hold of myself and the reality of it all.
First of all, did you know that grief increases inflammation in your body? That could explain some of the aches and pains I couldn’t heal or get rid of. The first of the five stages of grief is denial and no matter how I tried to make sense of it I couldn’t. I denied that I did anything wrong to encourage his behavior and what is worse is that it seemed like such a bad dream I had a terrible time believing it actually happened but it did and I had to wrap my mind around the facts and reality of it all.
When the second emotion hit, anger, I became a different person. I don’t think I had ever used the term “how dare you” before. I was angry at him for so many reasons. I was angry because he ended us, because I thought I had lost my family (his family), who treated me like a daughter, a sister, a grandmother and a friend. I was angry that he so easily wanted to throw away eleven years together. I was angry because of how he hurt my family and friends. To lie to one person is horrific but when you lie and the affects spread and hurt everyone who has touched your lives is incomprehensible, inexcusable and downright mean!!The next stage of emotion was bargaining.
I’m sure there are some who bargain to get back who they thought was rightfully theirs but when I bargained it was to make sure he knew that bargaining out of all that we had was not the right thing to do. No more right than having the affair in the first place. I didn’t want to bargain to get him back until I could sort through all of this and figure out if I even wanted him back. I knew that was going to take some doing too! Did I want this Man back who threw our relationship under a bus? Did I want someone who I could never trust fully? I figured if I took him back, we would have to start from square one. A new start meant a new relationship, and a new trust. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks…Even if I did start all over with him would the good times be as good? Would I fall in love with him again? Would I trust him again??? Not sure, not sure and without a doubt NO.
The next emotion is depression and I had never experienced it before so was I not going to allow myself to go down that dirt road? Unequivocally NO! I wasn’t familiar with it and therefore did not want to explore the possibilities. So, whenever the pity party tried to start, I didn’t go in to the party. I just kept it at bay the best that I could and whenever I felt it had potential to take me down, I turned to my family and friends for support and got through this phase relatively unscathed.
Acceptance was probably the most difficult because that drew the conclusion that it was either the demise of this relationship or the beginning of very high hill to climb. Accepting either way was not something I could make a quick, responsive or decisive conclusion on but after months and months of torment and anguish what I did wrap my mind around was the fact that I couldn’t put myself through this again and trying for this relationship again would not be in my, or his best interest. Emotionally, or physically it was far too demanding and I knew somehow it was taking a toll on my health and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I made the decision to remove myself from the relationship which appeared to be toxic at this point.
A typical Day
It was difficult to wrap my mind around any of this when our outings were so much fun. We went to Disney World, Sea World or Busch Gardens almost every weekend. Whenever we were together, we had a great time. When we weren’t doing the theme parks, we would go to dinner or drive by a beach or just stay home for an easy evening. He constantly expressed his love for me and how much I meant to him. He was always telling me how much he appreciated all I do for him; he was always gentle and loving and we never fought so…. who knew??
We did house things together, whereas he would do anything that needed maintenance and I cleaned, cook and did the indoor things that I believe every woman does. And did we have “words?” Of course, like take out the garbage or pick up your clothes, no big deal. What I didn’t know is that inside me something big was brewing and it was not going to be a picnic.
Stress and your body
I am here to tell you that when you chose to have an affair you are putting one nail in a coffin and destroying countless lives. First of all, there is NO reason or excuse to have an affair and what I mean by this is that if there is ANY reason you feel you have to stray it says that you are with the wrong person. And an affair should NEVER happen. You should end your current relationship!!!!!!! If you don’t then you better be prepared to be called a cheat, a liar, completely untrustworthy but mostly a coward. Because that is the stigma you will walk away with, for life.
Stress is the #1 killer and it almost took me down. I didn’t even know what stress felt like at this level. I ended up with bladder cancer. The Doctor said my cancer was environmental. But I know it wasn’t, I didn’t have health issues until this occurred. Find a way to eliminate any stress you are going through because if you don’t it WILL take you down! Now I have to live without a bladder and with a bag attached to me for the rest of my life. I have been through more needles, chemotherapy and Dr’s. appointments than you can imagine and I am ready to get on with my life. I am grateful for the phenomenal Doctors and nurses that have attended me but I truly believe in my heart of hearts this should never have happened.
So, when you decide to have an affair, you could literally be taking a life. THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!! If he or she is NOT the one then leave, don’t hang around in case things go South with the affair. You can always get back together but please don’t drag your better half through the mud until you decide whatever works for you.
Deliver from evil
I know my family and friends showed no mercy for what he did to me but even though I will never forgive him for his actions I do know that there were extenuating circumstances and I have chosen to forgive him for what he was going through to make him do what he did. Evil had him clenched in his lairs and wasn’t about to let go. What surfaced was a very insecure person who had lost his way. Again, there is no reason for an affair and by no means am I turning the other cheek but, in this case, a messed-up mind or heart can distort making a right or wrong choice and that DOES NOT excuse making that wrong choice. Always remember the devil is strong and stupid but Jesus is stronger and smarter so hang on to the strength and intelligence that actually will make a difference in your life.
Goodbye……Forever
I was at my breaking point when I got a call from my daughter asking if I could move there and help her out for a while. I knew in so many ways God was reaching a hand out to me and I took it. I told him I was leaving and he looked like he was about to lose his best friend, and he was. We said a very heartfelt goodbye, kissed and I left. The next day I got a call that he was killed in a car accident while riding with “her”. She was driving and made a terrible error in judgment and God saw his opportunity to bring him home. I believe God knew he wasn’t going to change, or understand why he was so sad and confused and to continuously make poor decisions. This devastation added to the torment I was already experiencing so my stress level was off the charts and this could only mean one thing and I knew my health was severely at risk.
To add salt to the wounds I was too sick to return to my home to retrieve my belongings. I had a garage full of beautiful furnishings. Everything from furniture
to décor and everything in between. All of my belongings ended up going to the dump. It was heartbreaking to lose it all. It made me realize what people who have lost everything to fire, tornadoes and the like go through. It is a pain of loss that hits you all the way down to your very soul.
I went to work sewing for a company and after having multiple UTI’s before I moved, I was at work and felt I needed to use the restroom and it was all blood. This happened twice within a few minutes. I finished my work and went home. I was home a short time before passing out and waking to the EMT’s standing over me. An ambulance trip to the hospital met me with state 2 invasive bladder cancer. After chemo, excessive weight loss and extreme weakness my bladder had been removed, a stoma permanently put into place and a compromised kidney I had a road of healing ahead.
The aftermath to all of this wasn’t my conclusion to all of this. The bladder cancer surgery created the start of osteoporosis in my groin and progressed to the point of pretty much disintegrating the hip joint. As my doctor put it “the joint is pretty much shot.” The x-ray looked like mush, it was bone on bone and the bones were fracturing and it rendered me pretty much unable to walk. The pain was excruciating and debilitating to say the least. Another surgery was in my future. A total hip replacement and there was no way around that. This is yet another repercussion of the sadness of cheating on someone. Most think once the tears are shed the hurt is over. Not even close! Granted not everyone goes through what I did but we never know how our bodies will react to anything. All I know is the pain cuts deep and stays for a very long time. Getting over this is next to impossible. It never fully leaves you. I am currently recovering from the hip replacement and learning to walk again.
Due to his decision, I developed bladder cancer, heart failure, blood clots in my legs, kidney issues, disintegrated hip etc. My life is a strain to get it back on track but I am bound and determined to live a healthy life again. I owe it to God and myself to get back on track, and I will. My support warriors are incredible and the outreach of love surrounds me. I will do it for them, and myself and God for reaching his hand out to me. I use to have dreams and goals but this one is the one I am working on. I work hard at keeping my spirits high and won’t allow depression to set in. Depression could surely take me down.
Would I change the good times? The good times led to the bad so due to the health issues and heartbreak I have to say yes. I will always care for David that no one can remove and they may not certainly understand but in remembering that love triggers the pain and anguish he provided at the end and they continually surface. God knew him as I did and he had a kind heart and gentle soul but was a lost lamb. This is why I will always have a love for him.
In conclusion:
Cheating is a selfish, cowards way out and to do it can only lead us to assume that family and friends don’t matter to you. Don’t let this happen to someone you once cared for. Again, end the relationship and move on. If you are meant to go back the road will lead you back. Otherwise, save a life, don’t waste one.
*Thank you to everyone who stood by me, prayed for me and talked to me constantly. You all are why I am here today. With love and gratitude. ~Pam Marie
(Share this book with everyone and be sure to do it “before they cheat.”)
